Christians Struggle, too...

I was one of those people. It's true, I don't like to admit it, but I was.

I thought when I gave my life to Christ and became a Christian, life would be easy. I'd be happy all the time, I'd never struggle with doubt, or anger, or temptation. Haha, ridiculous, right?

What do I struggle with most? Lately it's been doubt. Doubt in my abilities, doubt in God's love for me, doubt that my prayers will ever be answered. It's ridiculous when I sit and think about it, but it's true, and that's what this blog is for. A place for me to write down my real thoughts.

On September 8, 2011, Brad went back to work after a week off when Madilyn was born. The difference was he moved to 2nd shift instead of 1st. The position he took paid more, and we figured more money couldn't be a bad thing since we now had 3 kids to provide for. At first there were no issues, 2nd shift worked great for almost a year, and then Karli started kindergarden.

When Karli started kindergarden she was in school from 8:30 am to 2:55 pm, and Brad works from 3-11pm. He didn't get to see Karli at all. Karli was so upset all the time, she always asked to see her daddy, and there was nothing I could do about it.

Fast forward a year, Lauryn has started kindergarden so now I have 2 little girls asking to see their daddy at night, and there's nothing I can do about it. We've been praying for a year & a half that a 1st shift position would open up for Brad. And for a year & a half, that prayer has gone unanswered.

I know I should be grateful that Brad has a job that provides for our family. We don't really have to go without, I know a lot of people are so much worse off than us, but I've really been struggling lately with this prayer going unanswered. I'm upset, I find myself BEGGING God to answer this prayer. I see people posting things on Instagram and Facebook about family nights even just family dinners. I see other families at Calvary on Wednesday Night Family Nights, and I become so insanely jealous, it's ridiculous.

Why can't Brad just get moved to 1st shift? Why is this a prayer God won't answer? I know a lot of people are going to tell me I'm selfish, or pathetic. I'm prepared for that, and I've been called much worse things, at least I'm being honest. While the thoughts and feelings I've been having aren't something I'm proud of at all, they're real, because Christians struggle, too.

No title...just feelings...

So I decided a couple years ago to start blogging...

...this is my first blog since I decided to start blogging...so that's how the blogging thing is working...

Okay, so here's the reason I'm blogging now. I've been really down lately, almost depressed, actually, not almost, I have been depressed. It's not fun, and totally not something I should be feeling. I mean, my life really isn't that bad, I have 3 great daughters, an AMAZING husband, and I am a daughter of the King. I have a roof over my head, a fairly new vehicle, there's money in my checking and savings account, my fridge and pantry are both stocked, why do I need to be sad?

Last year, in January I lost a baby. I found out I was pregnant in October 2012, when I went for my 12 week check-up, my baby had no heartbeat. I tried to pass the baby on my own, but after 1 month of waiting and nothing happening, I chose to have a d&c. That month I was waiting to pass the baby, I kept hoping that it meant that the baby hadn't really died and I was still pregnant. I really hoped everything would be okay, but my baby wasn't okay.

My husband and I chose a name for our baby, we chose the name Jordan Lee. Jordan because it a gender neutral name and Lee because my grandfather's middle name was Lee, I just happened to find out I was pregnant the day of his visitation. I don't want to be sad, I really don't, but I still am. I know I should "be over it" because it's been over a year, who holds on to something that long?

I think the reason people think I should be over this is because it didn't seem real to them. They didn't have the morning sickness, they didn't hear the heartbeat in the doctor's office, they didn't see the wiggly little bean on the ultrasound. They weren't surrounded by pregnant women while they waited to pass the remains of their baby they never got to hold. I'm not mad at the people who were able to give birth to their healthy babies, I just struggle with healing. In fact, I am really happy for the people who gave birth to their healthy babies, I am so glad that they don't have to feel the pain that I feel, I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

I don't really know why I wrote all of this out, I guess I just needed to get it off my chest. I honestly don't even know that I want to share this with everyone, I just wanted to lay it all out there. I want to say sorry to anyone who thought I wasn't supportive of them, that was not my intention at all...

...I guess I have nothing else to write..