So I decided a couple years ago to start blogging...
...this is my first blog since I decided to start blogging...so that's how the blogging thing is working...
Okay, so here's the reason I'm blogging now. I've been really down lately, almost depressed, actually, not almost, I have been depressed. It's not fun, and totally not something I should be feeling. I mean, my life really isn't that bad, I have 3 great daughters, an AMAZING husband, and I am a daughter of the King. I have a roof over my head, a fairly new vehicle, there's money in my checking and savings account, my fridge and pantry are both stocked, why do I need to be sad?
Last year, in January I lost a baby. I found out I was pregnant in October 2012, when I went for my 12 week check-up, my baby had no heartbeat. I tried to pass the baby on my own, but after 1 month of waiting and nothing happening, I chose to have a d&c. That month I was waiting to pass the baby, I kept hoping that it meant that the baby hadn't really died and I was still pregnant. I really hoped everything would be okay, but my baby wasn't okay.
My husband and I chose a name for our baby, we chose the name Jordan Lee. Jordan because it a gender neutral name and Lee because my grandfather's middle name was Lee, I just happened to find out I was pregnant the day of his visitation. I don't want to be sad, I really don't, but I still am. I know I should "be over it" because it's been over a year, who holds on to something that long?
I think the reason people think I should be over this is because it didn't seem real to them. They didn't have the morning sickness, they didn't hear the heartbeat in the doctor's office, they didn't see the wiggly little bean on the ultrasound. They weren't surrounded by pregnant women while they waited to pass the remains of their baby they never got to hold. I'm not mad at the people who were able to give birth to their healthy babies, I just struggle with healing. In fact, I am really happy for the people who gave birth to their healthy babies, I am so glad that they don't have to feel the pain that I feel, I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
I don't really know why I wrote all of this out, I guess I just needed to get it off my chest. I honestly don't even know that I want to share this with everyone, I just wanted to lay it all out there. I want to say sorry to anyone who thought I wasn't supportive of them, that was not my intention at all...
...I guess I have nothing else to write..
There is no time limit on grief... You take all the time you need. I still morn on my Due Date of Dec 5th of the baby I lost nearly 20 years ago. Maybe finding a way to celebrate your Angel Baby Jordan Lee will help you cope with the loss? Lots of Love momma...
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